Noah Enteen, LMFT

Navigating LGBTQ Parenthood with Your Partner

by

The phrase “traditional family” no longer means one mom, one dad and two-point-five kids. Today’s families are diverse, with many lesbians and gay men forming a family unit through adoption, foster care, artificial insemination and other means. Research estimates that between six to 14 million children live with at least one gay parents in the United States alone.

Though it is, in some ways, simpler for LGBTQ adults to become parents in today’s more-inclusive climate, that doesn’t make it an easy proposition. Parenting is hard enough, but raising a child in an LGBT partnership or as an LGBTQ individual can be particularly challenging. This is especially true for those parents who live outside of bigger metropolitan areas with larger gay populations, where there is little to no chance of interacting with other LGBTQ parents.

Here are some of the most common concerns I hear from my LGBTQ clients when they begin to think about starting a family:

What About Role Models?

A big concern in the community is that a child will suffer from not having a male or female role model present on a daily basis. But research has shown that children of two moms and two dads grow up to be perfectly healthy and happy, in some cases more so than children who grew up in heterosexual households where a mom and dad were both present.

What About Homophobia?

It’s understandable that LGBTQ parents would worry that their child would be taunted, or even assaulted, because of their “non-traditional” family structure. No parent can 100% guarantee that their child will never be taunted or bullied, for any reason. LGBTQ couples and individuals should talk candidly with their children and prepare them for any possible negative interactions with peers. The best thing to do is to set an example by always standing tall and proud in the world, and not shying away from a confrontation while not escalating it.

What About Cost and Legal Issues?

LGBTQ parents can’t simply try to conceive, there is much more thought, planning and cost that goes into starting a family. Statistically, women make less money than men. When you factor in that getting pregnant can be incredibly expensive, you begin to understand why so many lesbian couples decide to hold off on becoming parents until they are financially stable. For many, this means waiting until their late 30’s or even early 40s.

Same-sex parents must also tackle legal issues. For men, who will be the sperm donor, if trying to conceive through insemination? Women must determine who will carry the child. Much thought is necessary when considering custody and adoption arrangements, particularly if parents live in a state where getting legal recognition for both parents is next to impossible.

Navigating these complexities can be overwhelming and stressful, to say the very least. My clients have found it to be tremendously helpful just to have someone who will listen and try and help them explore all of their options. I am also able to help couples work through any tension they may be experiencing because of this stress.

If you are an LGBTQ individual or couple who would like some help navigating the often-emotional journey of becoming a parent, please get in touch with me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: LGBTQ

Lean on Me: Why People with a Mental Health Crisis Need a Support Network

by

Human beings have a need for social connection. It stems from our ancestors needing to stick together to stay alive. Back in the day, those individuals who strayed from the group had a harder time surviving the elements and not starving to death.

While it is far safer to be an individual these days, that doesn’t mean it is healthy for us to be isolated, for isolation undoubtedly threatens a person’s mental well-being.

It is for this very reason that people suffering from depression and other mental health issues need the love and encouragement from a support network

Social Connection: A Vital Part of Depression Recovery

When a person suffers from depression, they live with a constant pit of despair at their side. Every moment hurts and the truth about life remains elusive.

When we feel these dark feelings, there is a natural tendency to retreat and isolate ourselves. But this only makes the dark darker.

Recovery from depression is a complex process but you don’t need to go it alone. By surrounding yourself with friends and loved ones, you can continue to feel genuine connections, and each one of those connections is a light that can pierce through the darkness.

Research suggests there is a definite link between social relationships and many different aspects of a person’s mental health and wellness. It is for this reason that mental health professionals often discuss the importance of having a strong social network.

Get Yourself Social Support

Social support comes in many different forms. Sometimes you might need help with daily tasks if you are struggling with depression. Sometimes you may need an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on, and sometimes you may need some sound advice.

Whatever you may be going through and whatever kind of help you need, here are some ways you can build a support network of people that love and care about you.

1. Create a List

Make a shortlist of friends and family members who have shown their love, kindness, and support in the past.

2. Make a Commitment

Commit to reaching out to someone on your list every week (if not more). You can do this through a phone call, text, email, or in person.

3. Be Honest

The people that love you can only help and support you if you are honest with them. When you reach out, share what is on your mind and heart. Talk openly about any struggles you are dealing with and be sure to be open to any fresh perspective or advice.

4. Get Out – When Possible

With COVID still affecting our lives, it’s not always easy to get out and be social in person but doing so is remarkably helpful and healing for our mental health. Phone calls and emails work in a pinch, but nothing beats spending time with loved ones in person.

It’s also important to mention that sometimes we need a bit more help than our loved ones can give. If, after forming your support network, you feel that you need additional help, it’s vital you reach out to a mental health specialist. He or she can give you tools and strategies that will help you recover from depression.

If you’d like to explore treatment options, please reach out to me. I’d be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

 

SOURCES:

Filed Under: General

The Impact of Grief on Relationships

by

Experiencing the death of a loved one is one of the most painful things each person must face. The shock of your beloved friend or family member having passed away, along with the finality of their death is difficult to deal with.

Everyone Mourns Differently

The process of mourning is a very personal experience. Because grief is so personal, each person reacts differently to the death of a loved one; your instinct may be to reach out and connect, and the instinct of your friend or relative may be to retreat, distract themselves with work or hobbies or shut down.

Your relationship with the deceased was a unique one, so the process in which you grieve the loss will also be unique and personal to you. The close friends and family that you would expect to be there for you in one of the most challenging times of your life may not be present in the way you’d hoped or anticipated. Even your spouse or partner may not provide the comfort you’d expect.

Relationships Impacted by Grief Will Change

Although it’s disappointing and hurtful to experience what feels like a breakdown in your relationships when you need them the most, you must realize that your friends, family and spouse are likely also affected by grief, and going through their own process of mourning.

It’s also important not to rely solely on your spouse for comfort. It’s healthier for both of you, and will ease the stress on your marriage, if you have other people to turn to for help.

The impact of grief is an incredible strain on your existing relationships, as who you are as a person is temporarily altered as you struggle to cope with the loss and find a way to move forward. Your close friends and loved ones may have difficulty coping with how you’re mourning, causing them to pull away temporarily. They could also be very used to seeing you as a source of strength, and a pillar, and seeing you in this vulnerable state (in addition to possibly dealing with their own grief) is more than they can bear.

Seek Out New Sources of Support

Maintaining relationships takes effort, and they’re vulnerable to the difficulties we face as we move through life. You may need to turn to distant family members, other friends or acquaintances, make new connections through bereavement groups or seek professional help from a mental health counselor to find solace and understanding.

Although we can expect bereavement to change our relationships, we can also expect some semblance of normalcy as everyone affected copes with the loss over the passage of time. By forgiving friends or loved ones who weren’t there for you as you dealt with your grief, you can re-establish lost connections.

If you’re having difficulty with your relationships as you grieve and need some understanding and guidance, please give me a call and we can set up an appointment to talk.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Grief

The “Q” in LGBTQA: How Do I Know if I’m Not Straight?

by

The study of sexual orientation has been quite a controversial area of psychology, and one that continues to raise numerous questions: What makes a person identify as gay, and what percent of the population currently identify as such? Is sexual orientation determined solely by biology, or what role do early learning and other social experiences play?

As complex of an issue as sexual orientation is, it’s easy to see why many people -particularly young people – struggle in determining their own preferences. For many teens who are perhaps experiencing their sexuality for the first time thanks to those new, surging hormones, exploring their identity can be exciting, scary, and completely overwhelming.

Determining Sexual Orientation

While many people simply “know” their sexual orientation, a certain percentage of young people find themselves in a nebulous area. There is no test that can be taken to determine if you are gay, straight, bisexual, or something else entirely. And there is no one way that gay people look or act. The gay population is just as diverse as the straight population.

It’s important that young people understand this. Just because a young man might be gentle and effeminate does not necessarily make him gay, just as a classically masculine and brash jock is not necessarily straight.

In order to try and determine your own sexual orientation, it’s important to first understand what that phrase means exactly. The American Psychological Association defines sexual orientation as an “enduring emotional, romantic, sexual, or affectional” attraction toward another person.

With this definition in mind, here are some questions you can ask yourself to help determine if you might be gay:

• Have I ever been sexually attracted to the same sex?
• Do I feel strong emotional bonds to the same sex?
• When I fantasize, am I with people of the same or opposite sex?
• Am I physically attracted to the same sex?
• Have I considered having a sexual relationship with someone of the same sex? How did this make me feel?
• Have I had sexual same-sex experiences in the past? How did I feel during and after?

Discovering You’re Gay

Depending on where you live (small town vs big city) and what kind of support system you have (loving and open-minded friends and family vs unsupportive and old-fashioned), you may find it difficult to discover you are gay. You may be tempted to hide your real self and feelings from others.

But having worked with gay and bisexual teens in my practice, I can tell you that hiding your true feelings and identity is typically a very painful place to live.

Know this: If you determine that you are gay or bisexual or any other letter of LGBTQA, you are not alone. There are many others like you who are leading healthy and happy lives. If you come out to friends and family and they don’t support you, there are other resources you can turn to.

Advocates for Youth has web sites by and for young gay people, www.youthresource.com and www.ambientejoven.org. More than 15,000 gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender youth visit these sites each month to get informed and find community & resources. If you live in a major city (or near one) you may also be able to find local gay youth groups to join.

Also, consider working with a therapist if you find dealing with your sexuality overwhelming in any way. He or she can offer guidance, support, and coping strategies.

More and more gay youths are coming out and finding support and loving themselves. While things may seem scary right now, your life can feel exactly as normal and happy as anyone else’s. 

If you or someone you know thinks they might be not straight and would like to explore counseling, please be in touch. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help you.

Filed Under: LGBTQ

Using Adaptogens for Stress/Sleep

by

If you’re like most people, you deal with your fair share of stress. And often, this stress leads to an inability to get the quality of sleep necessary for optimal health and well-being.

Often, people turn to harmful substances to deal with stress. Whether it’s drinking too much or eating processed “comfort” foods, these unhealthy stress beaters tend to make matters far worse.

It’s a much better idea to use a natural substance with a long history of helping balance the body and mind.

Enter: adaptogens.

What Are Adaptogens and How Do They Work?

You most likely use certain plants and herbs in your life already for their benefits. Green tea for antioxidants, ginseng for memory, and ginger for its natural pain relief.

Well, adaptogens are herbs that can help you deal with the effects of stress. But they do so in a very unique and powerful way. These first work to reduce your body’s stress response and then they support your overall health by helping your body achieve balance and harmony, otherwise known as homeostasis.

The long and short of it is, adaptogens can make you feel less anxious, stressed, and depressed. They have even been known to completely turn a situation around and make the person feel energetic, motivated, and optimistic.

Some of the most widely used adaptogens are:

  • Rhodiola rosea
  • Bacopa monnieri
  • Schisandra
  • Ashwagandha

Adaptogens for Weight Loss and Insomnia

When our bodies react to stress, we are thrown into a “fight or flight” response. Certain hormones like cortisol and adrenaline are produced and pumped out into the bloodstream to help our bodies deal with the danger in our environment. Our heart rates and breathing increase and our blood flow is directed away from our brain and digestion and toward our arms and legs.

This is great for fighting an attacker or running like heck from a hungry bear, but it’s not great for our overall health. Over time, cortisol can help us pack on the weight, especially around our middle. And adrenaline can make it hard for us to relax enough at night to get a good night’s sleep.

So when adaptogens help our body deal with stress, they also help our body deal with the negative effects of the stress response. This means improved sleep, the potential to lose weight around your middle, and better overall health.

As with any supplement, it’s best to speak with your doctor before adding something new to your regimen. This is especially true if you are currently taking medications. Having said this, many doctors do not support the use of non-prescriptive supplements to treat mental health conditions and other diseases.

You may want to find a nutritionist who can help you determine which adaptogen is right for you and what dosage to try.

 

SOURCES:

Filed Under: General, Nutrition

Normative Male Alexithymia: Let’s Talk About It

by

There’s an old joke that goes a little something like this:

Two women sit next to one another in the park, chatting.

The first woman turns to the other and asks, “Does your husband talk to you?”

And the other woman replies, “All the time! He asks me what’s for dinner, he asks me if he has clean socks. Once he asked me how the microwave worked.”

(cue laughter)

There is usually a shred of reality and truth in jokes like this one, and I can see how and why this one got started. Traditionally, men have not always been comfortable talking about their emotions.

Normative Male Alexithymia is a very clinical sounding term that describes when men have tremendous difficulty putting their emotional experience into words. This can often put relationships on the ice because generally women need to talk about emotions to feel a connection, and men often “just can’t go there.”

Men and Women are Wired Differently

By now we all know men and women are from very different planets, but there are some striking differences in particular to how we communicate. For instance, did you know women typically use twice as many words as men? While women speak at 250 words per minute, men typically speak at around 125, according to Gary Smalley, author of Making Love Last Forever. That means over the course of the day, women speak about 25,000 words and men 12,000.

Men and women also have different conversational styles. Women often talk fast and become very animated. And it’s not unlike them to excitedly interrupt their partner, who may be struggling to find the right words to begin with. This can cause many men to shut down because they are already having a hard time expressing how they feel.

And speaking of feelings, women can think and feel at the same time, but men can do only one at a time. So when a woman wants to “talk” that generally means she is expecting her man to think and feel at the same time, and men’s brains are simply not wired that way.

Understanding how men and women are different when it comes to communication can go a long way. It can help women empathize with men instead of always feeling frustrated at their lack of interest in opening up. It’s not that they don’t want to feel close with you, they just don’t do it in the same way women do.

Something else that can help is working with a therapist who can facilitate open communication and ensure both parties feel safe and supported in sharing their thoughts and feelings.

If you are having difficulty talking with your partner and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

 

SOURCES:

Filed Under: Men's Issues

Parenting An Angry Teen

by

Raising a teenager can be one of the most challenging experiences a parent will go through. Teenagers are in an awkward stage, dealing with hormonal changes that are out of their control and a developing brain. They’re awakening to new realizations about themselves and the world around them.

Teenage rebellion is a natural phase, however, handling it as a parent is anything but natural. If you’re struggling with raising an angry teen, here are some strategies that can help.

Keep Your Cool

It may be difficult to keep your cool when your teen is yelling at you, but as the adult, it’s important that you maintain control. Refrain from yelling, cursing, or name-calling your teen. Verbal abuse will only escalate the argument and will have a long-term impact on your child and your relationship. If your child is being verbally abusive, apply consequences to their behavior and speak in a calm, matter-of-fact tone.

Accountability, Not Control

Rather than trying to control your teen and their behavior, make them accountable. Set clear boundaries, and establish rules and consequences.

Listen

It can be difficult to listen when your child is yelling or angry. Your initial reaction may be to defend yourself or criticize. Rather than offering advice or judgment, actively listen to your teen. Be silent as they express themselves, and ask questions to better understand how they’re feeling. You can also calmly express that it’s difficult to listen to them when they’re angry and yelling. By genuinely trying to listen and understand them, you can teach them how to control their emotions and express themselves calmly.

Give Them Space

When your teen is angry and wants to storm off, let them go instead of following them and trying to continue or resolve the argument. It’s healthy for both of you to give each other space and time to cool off so you can revisit the discussion when you’re both feeling calmer.

Pick Your Battles

Your teen is going through a difficult phase, and needs empathy. Remember back to the times when you were a teen to help you empathize. There will be times when your teen is making a bigger deal of something than it needs to be, and as the adult it’s your job to know when to stand your ground, and when to let things go. Talk with your spouse to set boundaries and determine priorities of issues that can be compromised, and issues that are non-negotiable.

If you’re having difficulty with your angry teenager and want some help and guidance, call my office today so we can set up an appointment to talk.

Filed Under: Family Therapy

Tips for Coping with Social Isolation

by

Humans are social creatures and we don’t do well in isolation. That’s exactly why state penitentiaries punish prisoners by putting them into solitary confinement. It causes them great mental anguish.

Many of us have felt like prisoners in solitary confinement over the last couple of months because of the COVID-19 pandemic and subsequent lockdown. And many of us have been feeling our own mental anguish from this extended isolation.

Who knows how long this may go on? While none of us have control over what our governments do, we do have control over ourselves and our perceptions of the world. With this in mind, here are some tips for coping with social isolation, for however long it goes on.

Isolate Yourself from the Media

If you’re paying attention, it almost seems as if the media is trying to confuse us and cause panic more than report on actual news. Watching too much news doesn’t help anyone’s anxiety levels, so stay informed as best you can but don’t binge-watch.

Get Creative

Being isolated can get very boring very quickly so it’s important that you try and get creative with your time. This could mean painting the living room and rearranging the furniture or getting your husband and kids to learn a new language with you. It could mean experimenting with an old recipe or making up a game with your kids. Just have fun and think outside the box!

Reconnect

Now is a great time to reconnect with friends and loved ones you haven’t spoken to in a while. And technology like Skype and Facetime makes it incredibly easy to chat with someone no matter where in the word they are.

Stay Active

A lot of the anxiety we may feel comes from the fact we aren’t moving our bodies as much as we usually do. It’s important to stay physically active during this time. So get outside and get some sun. Go for a walk or ride your bike. Not only is exercise good for us physically, but physical activity releases endorphins that make us feel good mentally and emotionally as well.

Meditate

The world is a chaotic place right now and it seems we are being hit with noise and negativity from all sides. It’s important to make time each day for some quiet meditation.

If you’ve never meditated before, that’s okay. Just try it.

One of the easiest ways to meditate is through a listening meditation. Find a space in your house where you can be alone and get into a comfortable position. Close your eyes and breathe deeply in and out… and simply listen to the ambient sounds.

What do you hear? The buzzing of a light? A fly? Your dog’s collar rattling down the hall as he scratches. Expand your hearing to see what else can you hear outside your house. Birds? Lawnmowers? Traffic?

Simply breathe and listen intently for 5-10 minutes. When you listen, you can’t think at the same time, and so you will notice finally your thoughts go quiet. This is paradise!

If you find that the social isolation is really beginning to trouble you and you’d like to speak with someone, please get in touch. I would be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

 

SOURCES:

Filed Under: General

5 Foods to Keep Your Immune System Strong

by

As the events of COVID-19 continue to unfold, many of us are focusing on how we can keep ourselves and our families as healthy as possible. While social distancing and increased hand washing can be very effective at stopping the spreading of the Corona virus, it is equally important to keep our immune systems strong.

With this in mind, here are some of the absolute best foods you can eat to help support your immune system:

1. Blueberries

Blueberries are loaded with powerful antioxidants. In fact, they contain a type of flavonoid called anthocyanin, which has antioxidant properties that can boost your immune system. A 2016 study found that flavonoids play an essential role in the respiratory tract’s immune defense system. The researchers found that people who ate foods rich in flavonoids were less likely to get sick with respiratory tract infections and the common cold.

2. Turmeric

Turmeric is the aromatic spice that makes curry yellow. It is also often used in alternative medicine thanks to its active compound curcumin. Curcumin has been shown to improve a person’s immune response because of its antioxidant and anti-inflammatory effects.

3. Spinach

Popeye knew that spinach would help him be stronger. But I wonder if he knew how good it was for his immune system. Spinach contains vitamin C & E, as well as beneficial flavonoids and carotenoids. Not only are vitamin C & E great for the immune system, but research shows flavonoids may help prevent common colds in otherwise healthy people. So, it stands to reason it may help protect against other viruses as well.

4. Citrus Fruits

Most of us, when we feel an illness coming on, reach for more vitamin C-rich foods. But what is it about vitamin C specifically that makes it so good for our immune systems?

Vitamin C is believed to increase the production of white blood cells. These are the cells responsible for attacking foreign invaders like bacteria and viruses.

Some popular citrus fruits high in vitamin C include:

  • grapefruit
  • oranges
  • tangerines
  • lemons
  • limes
  • clementines

Unlike other animals whose bodies do produce vitamin C, humans must get their vitamin C from the foods they eat or through supplementation. So be sure to add more citrus fruits to your diet.

5. Red Bell Peppers

We can’t talk about vitamin C without mentioning that ounce for ounce, red bell peppers contain even more vitamin C than most citrus fruits. So if you prefer veggies to fruits, then be sure to eat more red bell peppers.

While this is not an exhaustive list of immune-boosting foods, it will get you started eating right so you can stay healthy during this pandemic. It’s also important to stay hydrated and eliminate sugars and trans fats from your diet as well.

SOURCES:

https://www.healthline.com/health/food-nutrition/foods-that-boost-the-immune-system

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322412

Filed Under: Nutrition

Coping with Working from Home During COVID-19

by

How many mornings have you shut off that alarm, wishing you could just work from home in your PJs? Well now many of us are getting our wish thanks to COVID-19.

While in theory working from home may seem ideal, the reality for many of us is that it’s, well, kind of a pain. Particularly if you have young children home from school that you now have to teach while still keeping productive at work.

The fact is, this sudden and unexpected disruption to our daily lives has many of us feeling stressed!

Here are some ways you can cope with working from home for the unforeseeable future.

1. Get Your Space Right

If you don’t have a dedicated home office, you’ll want to figure something out ASAP. Having the right space at home will help you focus on the tasks at hand. It will also automatically set boundaries with family.

Do you have a spare room you can use? Is there an area in your finished basement that could work? If not, clear off the dining table and set up there.

2. Keep Your Regular Schedule

You may want to treat the next 2-3 weeks as a sort of family vacation, but it’s best if you and the kids stick to your regular routines. That means getting up and going to bed at the same time, showering, getting dressed and having breakfast as you normally would. Straying from routine will demotivate you to complete the work that needs to get done.

3. Take Advantage of the Flexibility

While it’s important to keep to your routines, that doesn’t mean you can’t take advantage of having more time on your hands. Instead of spending an hour plus on a commute each day, you could use that time to catch up on home projects that have been on your to-do list for a while. You can also use the added time to reconnect with your family.

4. Give Your Kids Structure

Kids need structure, so give them some each day. This could mean giving them three options of how they will spend the afternoon: playing with Legos in the living room, watching a movie or quiet reading in their bedrooms. Be sure to take a break from work every couple of hours to check in with your kids to answer any questions they may have. Lord knows they ALWAYS have some!

5. Get Some Virtual Babysitters

On those days when you have to conduct many meetings and get much done, consider reaching out to family and friends to arrange virtual playdates with the kids. Thanks to Skype and FaceTime, your virtual babysitters can read, play games and interact with your kids online while you get some important work done.

If you find you are getting a bit squirrelly, even after following these tips, you can always reach out to a mental healthcare provider who can give you some more ideas of how to manage the stress.

If you’d like to speak to someone, please reach out to me. At this time, I am able to conduct sessions via phone or Skype, so you don’t even have to leave your home if your state is on lockdown.

SOURCES:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/biofeedback-and-mindfulness-in-everyday-life/202003/77-strategies-working-home-during-covid-19

https://www.cnbc.com/2020/03/17/working-at-home-with-kids-during-covid-19-crisis-with-kids-underfoot.html

Filed Under: General